Saturday, November 22, 2008

Incoming email

From Frank:

This is what we all have to look forward to for all of us who are--and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
and Speaking of Senior Moments: 'WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday .... The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition....

As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shoot. So that's why no one was at church today.'

Saturday Show Prep

Rich's Early Morning Chuckle:

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won’t get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you’d be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I’m awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won’t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

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Rich's Crazy News Story Of The Day:

Chad Toy's escape from jail wasn't what shocked his jailers; it was his plea to be let back in. The escaped jail bird was in the McCracken County Regional Jail in western Kentucky awaiting trial on charges stemming from a July home invasion. He's also serving a four-year sentence for theft. Officials said he escaped early Monday while on a cleanup detail in the lobby. He bolted after a guard unlocked the front doors to clean trash from a breezeway. But he returned that afternoon, wet and covered with grime. I guess he had second thoughts.

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Officer Hancock's police blotter:

A man in Port St. Lucie, Florida faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving on Interstate 95. Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off. The victim nearly lost control of the car because she couldn't see the road and the man then allegedly ripped off the rear-view mirror and used it to shatter the windshield.

This is Officer Hancock. Be careful. There are a lot of wackos out there!

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Rich's thought to ponder:
The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.

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Rich's Time Machine!
Monday - Saturday mornings escape reality and re-visit the past in Rich's Time Machine!

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Today In Elvis Presley History!
Monday - Saturday mornings Rich features famous Elvis events and a great Elvis song.

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Rich's quote of of the day:
"I think that today's youth have a tendency to live in the present and work for the future---and to be totally ignorant of the past." - Steven Spielberg

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Flash From The Hancock News Service!
(The most powerful name in odd news)

Thousands donned aprons and hair nets outside Seoul's City Hall in a bid to make the world's biggest batch of kimchi, the spicy pickled cabbage that is Korea's best-known dish. Kimchi traditionally is prepared in the fall during an annual rite called the "kimjang," and then packed into giant pickling jars and buried in the ground to ferment. Earlier this week 2,200 volunteers - South Koreans and foreigners - braved a cold snap to make 143 tons of kimchi from 58,000 heads of cabbage. The yogurt drink maker Korea Yakult Co. has held the annual event since 2001 as part of a charity campaign. The volunteers will deliver the kimchi to 13,000 needy households in Seoul.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Friday Show Prep

Rich's Early Morning Chuckle:

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

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Rich's Crazy News Story Of The Day:
A Romanian entrepreneur has come under fire for putting plastic prostitutes on the street to advertise his garden gnome business. Neighbors in Lilieci, Romania complain the realistic figures distract motorists and are an unsuitable sight for local children. The owner of the garden gnome business defends his "aggressive advertising" and says the dummies will remain outside his house to drum up business.

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Officer Hancock's police blotter:

A New Hanover, North Carolina sheriff's official has apologized for plunging a funeral into chaos when undercover agents tried to arrest the dead man's son - and used a Taser on him in the process. It happened as the coffin was being loaded into a hearse. The officers planned to quietly arrest the suspect who was a pallbearer. Relatives said two deputies dressed in coats and ties allegedly grabbed the suspect and kneed him in his back before Tasering him. One deputy's gun fell out of its holster.

This is Officer Hancock. Be careful. There are a lot of wackos out there!

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Rich's thought to ponder:
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say...talk in your sleep.

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Rich's Time Machine!
Monday - Saturday mornings escape reality and re-visit the past in Rich's Time Machine!

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Today In Elvis Presley History!
Monday - Saturday mornings Rich features famous Elvis events and a great Elvis song.

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Rich's quote of of the day:
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

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Flash From The Hancock News Service!
(The most powerful name in odd news)

A Chinese man cracked open an egg to make his supper - and found a four-legged chick inside. The man from Changchun, said he bought dozens of eggs four months ago, and cracked one to make a meal. He says he was shocked to find a chick alive inside it - and even more surprised when he noticed the extra legs. People said it wouldn't survive, but he kept it out of pity and it grew up to be a healthy chicken. The chicken owner says the chicken was bullied by his other chickens at first. But it grew faster than its rivals and has now turned the tables and the other chickens now act very timid around it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Fatty Fatty Two By Four ... You Don't Have To Pay For Two Seats ... No More

Obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled on Thursday.


The high court declined to hear an appeal by Canadian airlines of a decision by the Canadian Transportation Agency that people who are "functionally disabled by obesity" deserve to have two seats for one fare.

Modern parable

Incoming email ... thanks Brenda for sending this in...

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motor Co.) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another
loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally
reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant
superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing
Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the
rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment,
extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was
trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were
channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development
of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for
new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as
bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to
even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for unacceptable performance,
all canoe equipment was sold, and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits, while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads and collecting bonuses.

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

Jobless claims jump unexpectedly to 16-year high

My Way News - Jobless claims jump unexpectedly to 16-year high

For those of you who still have a job, please remember this:
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Detroit automakers' rescue stalls in Senate

My Way News - Detroit automakers' rescue stalls in Senate

The Big Three c.e.o.'s flew to D.C. in their private jets to ask for money. Maybe they could have made more of a statement by driving their company's gas guzzling cars to the nation's capitol.

Thursday Show Prep

Rich's Early Morning Chuckle:

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

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Rich's Crazy News Story Of The Day:
Andrew Hanson says that a sneeze caused him to lose control of his pickup on Soldiers Field Road and plunge into Boston's Charles River. Hanson was able to wade to shore after escaping from the truck, which was partially submerged in 4 feet of water. He was not seriously injured but was taken to a hospital as a precaution. He told hospital workers that he sneezed and next thing he knew he was in the river.

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Officer Hancock's police blotter:

Dallas police say a man found his missing cat at the Dallas shelter, where it had been brought by someone who thought it was a stray. He blew his stack when told he had to pay a $132 fee to take his cat. Police say the man returned, loaded his cat into a carrier without paying the fee, and threatened the staff with the baseball bat. No one was injured.

This is Officer Hancock. Be careful. There are a lot of wackos out there!

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Rich's thought to ponder:
The purpose of life is to fight maturity.

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Rich's Time Machine!
Monday - Saturday mornings escape reality and re-visit the past in Rich's Time Machine!

****

Today In Elvis Presley History!
Monday - Saturday mornings Rich features famous Elvis events and a great Elvis song.

****

Rich's quote of of the day:
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- Gilda Radner

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Flash From The Hancock News Service!
(The most powerful name in odd news)

An Iowa zoo has recaptured a flamingo that flew over a Des Moines neighborhood, a golf course and the entire zoo during a 7-hour freedom flight. Blank Park Zoo workers clipped the adult Chilean flamingo's wings a second time after it was recaptured. The zoo's flamingos usually don't fly because their wings have been clipped. But zoo officials say the birds can molt and regrow those feathers, enabling them to fly. They say they will keep a closer eye on the high flying flamingo.

All re-written news stories are for the entertainment of my radio listeners and should only be considered for purely entertainment value.